My issue was that I was running an older version of SQL Server than was supported, as pointed out in a comment above.
Minimum software requirements This section provides minimum software
requirements for each server in the farm.
Minimum requirements for a database server in a farm:
One of the following:
The 64-bit edition of Microsoft SQL Server 2012.
The 64-bit edition of SQL Server 2008 R2 Service Pack 1
The 64-bit edition of Windows Server 2008 R2 Service Pack 1 (SP1)
Standard, Enterprise, or Datacenter or the 64-bit edition of Windows
Server 2012 Standard or Datacenter
The SharePoint parsing process crashes in Windows Server 2008 R2 (KB
2554876)
FIX: IIS 7.5 configurations are not updated when you use the
ServerManager class to commit configuration changes (KB 2708075)
Hotfix: ASP.NET (SharePoint) race condition in .NET 4.5 RTM:
Windows Server 2008 R2 SP1 (KB 2759112)
Windows Server 2012 (KB 2765317)
Microsoft .NET Framework version 4.5
Minimum requirements for a single server with built-in database:
The 64-bit edition of Windows Server 2008 R2 Service Pack 1 (SP1)
Standard, Enterprise, or Datacenter or the 64-bit edition of Windows
Server 2012 Standard or Datacenter
The SharePoint parsing process crashes in Windows Server 2008 R2 (KB
2554876)
FIX: IIS 7.5 configurations are not updated when you use the
ServerManager class to commit configuration changes (KB 2708075)
Hotfix: ASP.NET (SharePoint) race condition in .NET 4.5 RTM:
Windows Server 2008 R2 SP1 (KB 2759112)
Windows Server 2012 (KB 2765317)
The Setup program installs the following prerequisite for a single
server with built-in database:
Microsoft SQL Server 2008 R2 SP1 - Express Edition
The Microsoft SharePoint Products Preparation Tool installs the
following prerequisites for a single server with built-in database:
Web Server (IIS) role
Application Server role
Microsoft .NET Framework version 4.5
SQL Server 2008 R2 SP1 Native Client
Microsoft WCF Data Services 5.0
Microsoft Information Protection and Control Client (MSIPC)
Microsoft Sync Framework Runtime v1.0 SP1 (x64)
Windows Management Framework 3.0 which includes Windows PowerShell 3.0
Windows Identity Foundation (WIF) 1.0 and Microsoft Identity
Extensions (previously named WIF 1.1)
Windows Server AppFabric
Cumulative Update Package 1 for Microsoft AppFabric 1.1 for Windows
Server (KB 2671763)
Minimum requirements for front-end web servers and application servers
in a farm:
The 64-bit edition of Windows Server 2008 R2 Service Pack 1 (SP1)
Standard, Enterprise, or Datacenter or the 64-bit edition of Windows
Server 2012 Standard or Datacenter.
The SharePoint parsing process crashes in Windows Server 2008 R2 (KB
2554876)
FIX: IIS 7.5 configurations are not updated when you use the
ServerManager class to commit configuration changes (KB 2708075)
Hotfix: ASP.NET (SharePoint) race condition in .NET 4.5 RTM:
Windows Server 2008 R2 SP1 (KB 2759112)
Windows Server 2012 (KB 2765317)
The Microsoft SharePoint Products Preparation Tool installs the
following prerequisites for front-end web servers and application
servers in a farm:
Web Server (IIS) role
Application Server role
Microsoft .NET Framework version 4.5
SQL Server 2008 R2 SP1 Native Client
Microsoft WCF Data Services 5.0
Microsoft Information Protection and Control Client (MSIPC)
Microsoft Sync Framework Runtime v1.0 SP1 (x64)
Windows Management Framework 3.0 which includes Windows PowerShell 3.0
Windows Identity Foundation (WIF) 1.0 and Microsoft Identity
Extensions (previously named WIF 1.1)
Windows Server AppFabric
Cumulative Update Package 1 for Microsoft AppFabric 1.1 for Windows
Server (KB 2671763)**